leannesaul12

These Things I Want..


I  want a new life that's easy on me,
I want a new soul, that I can set free,
I want some wings to soar through the sky,
I want your shoulder to use when I cry,
I want whats best, though it might not be right,
I want to be strong, but not wanting to fight.
I want to be loved, but only if its true,
I want a soft breeze, that would carry me to you.
But getting these things is just too much to ask,
And achieving each one is too big a task.
So there's only one wish
I hope will come true,
That together forever, I'll be with you! 


You can have anything you desire,be anything you want to be, go anywhere you want to go, if you just believe you deserve it! :)

Leanne xx

QUESTIONS..


We've been friends for so long now,
But will our friendship last forever?
Could our friendship be broken,
After all we've been through together?
I've been told we're meant to be,
But could someone take my place?
In sharing your happines,
And wiping tears from your face?
Could memories be forgotten?
Is it possible to forget?
Will you always come to me,
When you dont know what to do?
Will you always be around,
When I need to talk to you?
Why do I worry so much,
When you've never let me down?
You've always been the one,
To make a smile from a frown.
Why do I care so much,
And never want us to part..

Because you're one special guy,
Who's forever in my heart...




For you, who will always be a friend xx

Leanne :)

This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and I said "Look At You, Your A Fool"

There arent many words that can match how im feeling, but to name two,
Betrayal and Loneliness

"Your a fool because you believe what your told, and your loyal to the bone, You deserve what you get because you have no spine, 
Stupid I am to think your a friend of mine."

I've questioned until im blue in the face,
And my mind is a disgrace.

There is a time when you realise you just dont mean a thing to the people that mean the world to you.
And its a paiful realisation, 
You sit and think of what went wrong,
What did i say?
Could i have done something different?
Sometimes its just time to say the dreaded "goodbye"

My how i will miss you, 
But somethings have to be this way,
I cant get you to talk to me,
Not one word could you say.

I dont want this to be the end,
But once again its in your hands,
My stone cold tears run down my face,
Your now gone, without a trace.

I dont understand why.
Whatever happens, I mean what i say,
Read the below,
I'll always feel this way.



I always wanted more from you
than you were willing to give;
So now we've gone our separate ways
each with different lives to live.

The bond will always be there
the friendship always intact;
But the time for us has come and gone
and the pages of time, you can't turn back.

I will always be a friend to you
and wonder how you are;
The smiles and laughter I will remember
and our fights have become painless scars.

Sometimes on those busy days
when you've a thousand things to do;
Please let me glide slowly through your mind
and spend some time with you.

In that quiet moment
when you're surprised to find me there;
Just remember even with the distance between us
I am still someone who cares.


Adios,
its been great!

Its just a shame that i cant laugh about it,
Because its just not funny.
Ironic

Its sad when people you know become people you knew,
When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life,
How you used to talk for hours 
And now you barely even look at them.
Its sad how times change

In saying that, im starting to see that certain people come into your life for certain purposes only to walk out sooner or later because their purpose have been served.
Its an incredibly sad fact but im coming to terms with it.

Just because we arent friends 
Doesnt mean that im not a decent person and that im going to be completely horrible and bitter.
Thats just not how i roll
And if we were ever friends at all, 
You would know that to be true.
I coudlnt be horrible to someone, even if they had just spat in my face.
I will laugh and smile like nothing has happened,
But that doesnt mean that i have forgotten or forgiven,
Its just that i have seen past it all and realised that im not going to let myself get bitter because im holding onto my mistakes,
Or hold resentment,
I have seen what that shit has done to people,
And i have enough wrong with me that im not going to completely destroy myself any more,
im already numb enough.

Look past the anger and the pain,
See things for what they really are and not just what you want to see.

We've been through so much more before
Whats different this time that you cant ignore?

Im not going to hide it anymore
I have a condition, 
Thats changed me and taken over my control
Im doing all i can to get myself better.
But someones words still plague my head, 
Keep me up at night because i just cant seem to forget.
i can hear you saying every word as i close my eyes.
But day by day it slowly dies.

I felt a cold tear run down my face that night,
because deep down i knew you were right

My head is so scattered, its hard to put a thought together,
Im suprised i got this far!

I've exhausted myself and i have nothing left to write..

.."I never knew, that everything was falling through, that everyone i knew was waiting on a que to turn and run when all i needed was the truth.."
The Fray - "Over My Head"


Would they even notice,
If i ceased to exist?

Look in my eyes, 
Forecast calls for rain,
All you can see is blue
All i can feel is pain

Reach out and hold my heart
Scales read light,
Feels like happiness
This heart has given up the fight

Its all a facade, I can be the master of disguise
I had forgotten what it was like to love
Until I felt its curse
Swept over me,
Crippled me like a disease
For this there is no cure..

Where were you?
When I cried a river of tears
Where were you?
When I had no one to hold my hand
Where were you?
When that blade slid across my wrist

I cant put my trust in anyone,
for they all prove that they cant be there
My eyes are tired,
They're sick of seeing the same old shit

I want to be angry, scream and throw things around
What would be the point,
There's nothing around.

He walked away from me, And he wont come home,
Im feeling empty, 
Betrayed, 
Invisible,
Take me to a place,
As long as your not there.

Maybe I've Expected too much 
Or not enough

Doesn't really matter,
Because it still hurts.

Im living a lie

Dont be Suprised...

I want to run away
Inside my bright red scream
I want to break the doors
Holding back my dream

Have You Forgotten, Everything We Wanted??

Living like this
Checking the skies for rain
A constant reminder
Of this burden and pain

Help me E S C A P E

I'm holding on to
A shooting star
Its points cutting my skin
This time it's gone too far

-- Its Better Off This Way --

Nothing left to wish on
My bloody star fell
Left me drowning in hopes
Inside my wishing well

How could you turn away?

Not looking for a hero
To owe such a debt
I could not ask for saving
This loss is not a regret

Im going to live today like its my last day..?

I want to run away
But there's nothing out there
I want to shatter windows
That look out on nowhere

"Find yourself.."

This is not life
If I'm already dead
My bleeding heart stopped beating
And tears I no longer shed. 


The only thing really left for me to say,
Is Thankyou,
For Letting Me Down



                                                                       - The Goodbye - Leanne xx

One Hour Ago

Nearly saw me walking away from Medfin, for good.
I had, had enough.
Certain people that look at my position and see the lowest rank you can hold in a company, finally got to me, people of my own supposed team got to me.
When will enough truly be enough.
Being made to feel like my position is childsplay 
With all the personal shit thats going on in my life right now, today broke me.
I was told I dont want to see you so far under that you can see the clearing past the forest 
I looked up and he knew I already couldnt, and i hadnt for a long time.
Hearing that there are certain people with way more importance than them, senior management looking at what i do, and being thankful that im doing it with the least amount of errors than others before me.
I dont crave recognition, but i also dont work to be told what i think, how i feel and my imputs arent as important as theirs.
Anyone who has cared enough about their job can probably relate.

                                                            "I remember when i used to be stronger"

"Where is that bubbly girl, that when she started working here, she didnt have a care in the world, nothing could tread on her?" - Trust me, I ask myself the same question quite frequently.

People have changed me, new friendships as well as failed friendships have seen this change in me.
                                                                               
                                                                              "I want to go back"
                                                                                       I miss me
                                                                    But dont know where to start..
                                                                                 I miss so much


I shouldnt say it because it goes against what my book says, but maybe this was a change in my life that i was not ready to make yet...

I cared.
Too Much.
I wish i could turn it off. 
Do you know what i would give to forget the last 6 months, completely erase memories with you out of my mind.
Not because I hate you, or wish that i'd never met you, 
But to know that they call them memories for a reason, they are the past, and im not ready to leave it there.
Work is the worst, everything around me, all that I see has a meaning, reminds me of the friendship we had.
It hurts because whats done is done, And Im far too gone..
This isnt about what I want or how I feel, 
How I was in that moment, was not who i truely am, 
Im a thinker, not a doer, and look what happened when i did..
But I cant change that.
No Regrets.
Friends, Thats all I feel now, I dont even have that. 
My Word doesnt mean a thing, how can i expect you to trust,
I never meant to hurt you,
To lose a friend so close is kind of like losing a part of yourself,
In losing someone sometimes you lose yourself in the process and you cant get it back.

Even if i knew what you say to you, 
I dont know that i would say anything at all,
Sometimes the best things are left unsaid..
Sorry isnt good enough and its not acceptable for me to deserve any type of forgiveness, 
It would take much more than that.
Just know that i still care,
Ties have been severed but i'll always be there..

People comment "wow you really cared" 
Someone so alike, but at the same time so far apart.

If ever there was something i could do to get back what was lost,
You know i would do it, no matter the cost..

Bad Advice,
Swollen Eyes
The Thoughts In My Head
The Blood From My Thighs

My attempt at describing my emotions, mixed and confused, its just that black and white,
For those of you who read this, you'll wonder whats been up with me, no longer..
 

My Answers?
When we give past decisions or events the power to hurt us in the present, we have created burdensome regrets that corrode our lives - No Regrets, Hamilton Beazley PH.D- Extremely helpful book, 10 step program for living in the present and leaving the past behind..